if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
