i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
