Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
