guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
