mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
