I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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