mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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