it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Randomize
