My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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