I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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