All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
