I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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