I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
