I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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