Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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