Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
