dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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