Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
