you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
