I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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