i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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