If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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