nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
