just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
