last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
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