I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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