god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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