I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I think my moral compass just broke
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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