My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
