I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
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