Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
