Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
