Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
