i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
