So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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