Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Randomize
