I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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