You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
