I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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