I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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