hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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