Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
