you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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