Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I won't apologize to a one balled man
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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