I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
