First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
