I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
