Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
