i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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