I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
