Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
