Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize