I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
