you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
