Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
