Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
