I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
