im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize