I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I still have a little drunk in my system
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
