Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
